Shame and Disordered Eating

Shame is a painful and uncomfortable emotion. It is also very prevalent in people who have distorted eating patterns or eating disorders.

Shame and eating disorders go hand in hand. Shame is the root; it grows and grows, and our mind keeps feeding it until it becomes bigger and more powerful. For someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, I can tell you firsthand that shame was at the root. I did not know it at the time; but after much self-study and self-reflection, I realized that shame was a huge part of my life growing up. In order to heal, we need to leave shame behind us. We need to recognize when and how we are triggered and what causes us to feel shame. When shame appears, instead of our mind feeding it, we need to grow above it, learn how to manage it and keep moving forward towards our path of freedom.

There are different types of shame.

Shame has different forms. There is internal shame. This is how we see or judge our own Self. There is external shame. This is how we perceive that other people see us. There is body shame which is shame that is related specifically towards our body. There is also food shame, which is driven by making food so powerful that you shame yourself for eating "bad" foods. At the root of these types of shame is the notion that somehow "we are flawed." We think we ARE bad, not just that we did something bad which is more like guilt. We also think we are not good enough or not perfect enough. When we are living in a shame-based mentality, we feel inadequate, unworthy and there is a disconnection from Self. We then turn to outside sources like food, exercise, shopping, alcohol or drugs to make us feel better. We use these objects to numb ourselves or to cope. In my experience, I have found that I not only numb just negative emotions, but also positive emotions. We have to learn how to really feel ALL emotions. Besides feeling shame, those that struggle with disordered eating may have feelings of loneliness and anger. We can feel like we are the only ones that feel this way. And because we feel lonely, we then tend to isolate ourselves even further and can hide and live in secrecy. This leads to a perpetual cycle of eating, binging/purging, overeating, feeling shame...and it goes on and on and on like a hamster spinning on a wheel. Until one day, you decide you have had enough.

Feelings of shame usually begin in childhood.

Do you remember when you first felt shame? For me, it was at a very young age. I remember vividly being shamed for not being "small", for not being "good enough", for not being "perfect", for not being "skinny" and I was teased for it repeatedly in school. I was in a home environment where I also heard those messages. I had teachers and coaches tell me those things. How I heard it was: "you are not worthy." I did not know how to process my emotions in a healthy way. I also wanted to be perfect and when I made a mistake, I thought I was bad. I took it out on my body. I really did think I wasn't as "good" as my friends or sisters were. Internally, I was feeling all of those feelings, especially shame, and I was keeping it to myself. I internalized it. I did not have the emotional support from others to manage those feelings, so I turned to food.

In order to heal, we need to look at how shame plays a role in our daily life.

We need to look at when we first felt shame. We need to reflect on who or what triggers us to feel shame. We need to have awareness around it so that we can change our shame narrative. We need to let go of playing the victim and blaming others for shaming us. How do we do that? Lots of inner child work. We need to re-parent our inner child and calm that child when they start to throw a tantrum. We need to practice self-love and self-compassion for ourselves. We need to change our self-talk and the narrative or story we tell ourselves that we are bad, unworthy or not good enough.

What tools and practices can we use to heal?

• Journaling. When you feel shame, journal around it. Get it out and down on paper. And if it feels good to you, write about it, then rip it up and set it on fire!

• Practice meditation with mantra. Even for 5 minutes a day. Some mantras that I use are I am enough. I am. I am love.

• Intuitive energy practices. These help us clear old patterns and stories that we have told ourselves over the years such as, I am not worthy; I am not loved; I am bad. We can visualize those negative thoughts and use our mind to then blow the thoughts up and release them into the universe.

• Pranayama or breathing practices. Breathing practices help us move stale, negative emotions and energy that we hold in our body. When we feel a negative emotion, especially shame, the body will immediately contract and tense. We can then use our breath to let it go and open the energetic channels of the body.

• Yoga. Yoga helps us get into our bodies, connect and move energy. When we practice Yoga, we are practicing self-love. We go into a space of gratitude for our bodies. We appreciate our beautiful bodies and consequently, we want to take care of our body.

• Use positive self-talk and daily affirmations. I am perfectly imperfect. I am worthy. I am loved. I am beautiful. I am not alone. I will get through this. I am strong. Write these messages down and post them on your wall or mirror. Say these things to yourself several times a day. Over time, you will believe it.

• Have a positive support system that surrounds you. Find your tribe of people that listen to you and lift you up, rather than bring you down. Cultivate a group of friends that let you be your authentic Self, with no judgement or competition.

• Learn to name the feeling that you are having. Feel it and then let it go. Practice non-attachment. When I feel shame, I say to myself the word "shame". I notice it, assess why it is coming up and then let it go.

• Practice gratitude daily for what you have. Whether it is a wonderful family, a house, a job or a body that supports you, have gratitude. You are alive. You are strong. You can make choices to help you heal and kick a shame-based mentality to the curb.

Are you not sure where to start in your healing journey? Reach out to me. I can support you. I offer a judgement free approach to help guide you on your unique path to healing. I use my experiences to help you to feel well in your body, mind and spirit. Be You. Be Brilliant.

Namaste,

Stefanie

www.brilliantlifemn.com